Allana (pirategirl85) wrote in pirate_souls,
Allana
pirategirl85
pirate_souls

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hello again! made a new story!!

TITLE: Hotline Help

SUMMARY: Helping POTC characters overcome their addictions

Hotline Help

This is just something I cranked out during history. Ironically we were talking about pirates.

Text like this is the automated response.


Chapter 1: Addicted to Rum Anonymous

Welcome to 'Addicted to Rum Anonymous'. Please state your name

"Captain Jack Sparrow."

Welcome Captain Jack Sparrow. To set up a counseling appointment, please press '1'. For ways to overcome addiction, press '33'. To see your current progress, press '68' or '69'. To see what stage you are at if this is your first time, press '864'. If you have no bloody clue what to press, stay on the line to hear the menu again.

"Ehh…me confused."

For ways to overcome addiction, press '33'. To see your current progress, press '68' or '69'. To see what stage you are at if this is your first time, press '864'. If you have no bloody clue what to press, stay on the line to hear the menu again.

"Still confused."

To set up a counseling appointment, please press '1'. For ways to overcome addiction, press '33'. To see your current progress, press '68' or '69'--

"Oh! I press 864!" (Presses 864)

Thank you; please hold while we transfer you. For research, this call may be monitored.

(Hold music: Dexy's Midnight Runners; "Come on Eileen")

3 min later

"Too-rah-too-rah-too-rah-loo-rah-ay……." Jack is singing along.

"Welcome to the Stage Recognition Hotline my name is Essy how may I help you?"

"…at this moment…you mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g……"

"Sir?"

"Ahem, yes. I need help determining what stage I'm in."

"Okay, what is your name?"

"Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Ok Mr. Sparrow."

"Call me Jack."

"Ok……Jack……how many bottles of rum do you drink in a month?"

"Uh, maybe 80?"

"…per week?"

"20"

"Per…day?"

"3 to 4."

"Okay you are at stage 13."

"What does that mean?"

"It means holy crap you are addicted!"

"What do I do?"

"Well, you can visit one of our group recovery programs."

"Luv, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy? I don't do group."

"Well then try to get over it yourself."

"How?"

"First, throw away all of your rum."

"WHAT?!?!?!?"

"I know it's hard, but you have to do it."
"Crying"

"Be a man about it. If I did it, so can you."
"Well, why don't you come over and help me?"
"That's against company policy."

"Not my policy!" a voice cuts in.

"Hello Mr. Foamy." Essy said.

"That's right! I am your boss the lord and master…Foamy! Now, it's 4:15, you know what you gotta do, you gotta get up and drive me to the bagel shop. You wanna know why, because I need a bagel and you know I need a bagel with the creamy cheese, yeah everyone likes the cream and the cheese and the cheesy cream. And a cup of coffee. I definitely need a cup of coffee so you get up and drive me. Before you help out that pirate."

"Yes Mr. Foamy."

"So…about 2 hours Essy?"

"Yes Mr. Sparrow. I hate Mondays."

Will Jack get over his addiction? Will Essy cheer up and realize how lucky she is? Will Mr. Foamy get to the bagel shop? Stay tuned.

Next Chapter: Will's Secret Addiction

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A/N: Hope you all liked!

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